Making amends

Deciding the least I could do was to cook everyone dinner one of the nights we would be at the cabin as a sort of peace offering for my standoffish ways I headed through Calistoga, CA to grab some groceries on our way to the cabin. Downtown Calistoga had the *cutest* old timey western storefronts all along the main street. I could have wandered for hours, but it would have to wait- someone was offering me free drugs.

Let’s clear something up, real quick

I don’t use drugs recreationally, anymore. And when I did, the most I did was a some weed. But since getting deeper into all things occult and magick, I have wanted to start experimenting with entheogens, and so when I was offered some LSD I jumped at the chance. Plus, this is a new life I have embarked on and I should be open to new experiences, right? Right.

Speaking of new experiences

The old me died. The Tarot said so. So I really don’t know what I like or don’t like, until I try it. So when I was offered some cauliflower crust pizza topped with roasted veggies like zucchini and peppers, I said yes. Dead me was strictly a meat and cheese kinda girl on her pizza. And for damn sure did not eat zucchini or peppers no matter what form they came in. But with an open mind and heart (and growling tummy) I took my first bite of new life. And it was DELICIOUS. I am def a veggie on carb free crust kinda girl now. My mom would be so proud.

Time to Drop

Bellies full and fire stoked, vague and cryptic warnings of what LSD would be like shared and we were ready to drop the acid. Without any ceremony (despite noises about wanting a more spiritual session) the tabs were passed around and placed under tongues. Heilung was played as a nod to a shamanistic vibe and we waited for the drugs to take us away. And waited, and waited.

Am I high yet?

We waited some more, reassurances that this acid was not bunk were given, and we waited. Apparently the longer it takes to kick in, the better the acid. So we waited a bit longer. At most I felt euphoric, just really really happy to be in the mountains, with friends and on this journey. No, strange visuals or sensations in my body. Just happy. I was then offered a bit of pot, and I said yes- thank you very much. That I definitely felt.

Hello Darkness, my old friend.

This was a party, make no mistake. All pretense of a spiritual experience was abandoned. Which is fine, yolo. But I felt like a piece that didn’t fit. I didn’t want to be around the carousing and merry making. I wanted to be enveloped by the darkness. So I wandered off a bit, not too far- I didn’t want people to worry, and sought out my solitude. But there were still so many lights- and I could hear everyone so clearly. It would be ok if I went just a little bit farther right? Should I tell someone? What if they insisted on coming with? I wanted to be alone, so I decided to go just a bit farther.

The Night Crooked its Finger

Like a child following the Pied Piper, I went further and further away. I could still hear laughter and happy noises. I thought I heard my name a few times, but no one sounded scared or panicked, so I shrugged it off. And just up ahead there it was, deep dark forest where no more light was penetrating. I felt the weight of it, calling me. But there was this tether attaching myself to the party. Not the right setting I realized, I will have to meet the darkness another time to learn her secrets. Tonight was wrong.

A Scolding

I returned to the cabin to find out, they were indeed calling for me and were not amused by my absence. (I was Highly amused, get it? cause I was high? Heh) And was sternly scolded by the group. Once more I proved to be a terrible guest, it didnt help matters when I later broke a patio chair by sitting on it wrong. I really hope they like the dinner I will make, though I may be overestimating how redeeming such a gesture will be at this point.

A Merry Time

The party continued, s’mores were made and good times were had by all. We laughed, gave therapy sessions, and laughed some more. St. John, the third member of our nomadic coven, who came along with J (oh, hadn’t I mentioned him yet?) and I finally seemed to get one another, the first blossoms of friendship began to bloom- or maybe that was the acid kicking in.

Bed Time

Yes, there was a whole cabin, and even a bed for me (! I did not know at the time) but I decided sleeping in my van had been so successful this far, why not go again? IT. WAS. FREEZING. I don’t know where the magick went, but no matter how I positioned myself a seat belt was digging into me, I felt cramped and uncomfortable and WHERE DID THAT DRAFT COME FROM?! Was this Jesus punishing me for the drugs? Was it the darkness for not running away with her? Dawn was creeping up by the time I finally got warm enough to sleep. I am going to have to seriously rethink my sleeping arrangements.